TROLL 2 (1990)

A family vacations in a town of vegetarian goblins that turn humans into plants and then eat them.



One was not enough because this is not a sequel, and it's not about trolls. At all.

This movie is about so many other things. So many things.

Why does that girl have freckles drawn on with eyeliner?
Is the father adjusting his belt about to urinate on his son or whip his ass or...go on hunger strike?
Why is dead Grandpa Seth only selectively visible?
Who was in charge of costume continuity?
Which amazing acting school did Deborah Reed attend?
Have you ever seduced a grown man with Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie and a corncob?
And then done it so hard it made popcorn?
WHAT IS THE CHEMICAL PROCESS BY WHICH HUMAN FLESH BECOMES VEGETATION????? WHAT ENZYMES COULD POSSIBLY BE INVOLVED??? HOW??? HOW??? HOW??? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE?????????

You will be asking yourself all these questions and more.

Personal confession:

I resisted watching this movie for a long time, because I was thoroughly queased out by the clips I'd seen of the goblins eating green mushy things and making the same disgusting toothless gum-smacking noises my cat breathes in my face at the crack of every dawn.

Oh I was wrong.

So wrong.

So wrong I'm giving myself corner time and deferring to my girl C-$'s writeup while I think about how wrong I was.

In conclusion, OH MY GOD:



Special thanks to C-$ and Tina for hosting.

THE ROOM: A Public Service Announcement

It's even better in person, especially here in Los Angeles, where screenings are hosted by Tommy Wiseau himself.

Until then, you can tide yourself over with Mayonnaise Bathtub's own writeup and this:

THE ROOM (2003)

An American black comedy about love, passion, betrayal, and lies.



The astute among you may notice that the italicized text above - from the DVD box cover - is not a logline. That is because this movie isn't ABOUT anything. It just IS. There's a guy, and his fiancee, and at first she loves everything about him (altruism, dimpled man buttocks, habit of greeting everyone and everything with "oh hi, _____") and then suddenly she doesn't love him and takes up with his BFF (vapid and jarringly handsome, like if-Jesus-were-a-supermodel handsome, but not as smart as Jesus...or most supermodels). And then suddenly her mother has breast cancer, which is mentioned once but not pursued, and then suddenly the guy and the girl are expecting a baby (or are they?), and then suddenly he discovers her infidelity and there are fisticuffs and then suddenly a random extra angrily pops a balloon and the movie is over. This is as close as one might get to describing anything in this movie resembling the concepts of "plot" or "story."

But THE ROOM doesn't NEED anything as pedestrian as plot or story - or even (spoiler alert!) a relevant title - to carry it through, because, like I said, it just is. It is you and it is me. It is all of us. Like CATS, but deeper.

QUIZ: SHOULD YOU WATCH THE ROOM?

Check off which of these items you enjoy:

__multiply-repurposed love scene footage featuring:
a)__dimpled man buttocks
b)__spiral staircases
c)__Smoove B-style flowing sheer white curtains, three-wick candles, breasts decorated with rose petals, terrible R&B soundtracks
d)__creepy children attempting to instigate menage-a-troises*
__dialogue referencing missing or nonexistent items
__throwaway exposition regarding important matters (cancerous mother, creepy child's drug dealing)
__early-'90s fashion choices made circa mid-2Ks
__unrealistic San Francisco rooftop green screen, faulty film geography
__"The passion of Tennessee Williams" (mirror breakings, television tossings, dimpled man buttocks)

Let's be honest. If you checked off even one of the above, there is definitely something in THE ROOM for you, and you should just see it as soon as possible.

And remember: It is not A room, it is THE room.

Thanks for the screening is due Benj, who correctly notes, "The later at night you watch it, the better it gets."

*"I just like to watch you two!" which naturally begs the question: How many times has he watched those two before? THE ROOM will task you with many such difficult inquiries.